Thursday, April 26, 2012
Boom boom boom.
Next year, I'll be back, and the only thing people will remember is the explosion of every smash. My fat will cry so much sweat that everyone will think I'm gross. Just wait.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
99 bottles of beer on the wall...
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." It's a common quote. Albert Einstein was smart, right? Yes. He was. And he probably wasn't even socially awkward.
A stupid mistake to make:
Problem: The square root of 8 is expressed by ksqrt{w}. What is k+w?
Answer everyone writes in math team because we are impatient dimwits: 2sqrt{2}
The right answer: 4
It was even easier to write.
Does this mean we're all insane? Or just stupid? Admittedly, I make quite the abundance of mistakes. Quite. But they are mostly different mistakes, and they are usually ones that don't really matter because I probably won't make them during competition, and they will only cost me a point here and there in practice. Whatever. We fix these mistakes easily, yet for some reason, people mistakes are really hard to fix. Why do I keep insulting people on accident? My mouth is vile. I am so disgusted with myself for letting down my guard. Why is my only response to hurt to laugh, as if I think better of myself than I do? I hate this lack of self-control.
And so, if you happen to ask me the same question over and over, and my answer is always the same, then maybe you should take the hint that I'm serious. Honestly, today was triggering. I never get mad at y'all, but today, lunch was too much. I shouldn't have gone, but I also believe that you shouldn't have pushed me.
On another note, I've recently met a person who I both respect/admire deeply, yet I am not tempted to imitate him. I usually like copying different types of laughs (I have a collection of great laughs from other people), manners of speech (I once met a Korean girl at the mall and liked her voice's rhythm so much that I copied it for days) , and clean profanity (most commonly heard during my single's matches). In this case... well. cool.
A stupid mistake to make:
Problem: The square root of 8 is expressed by ksqrt{w}. What is k+w?
Answer everyone writes in math team because we are impatient dimwits: 2sqrt{2}
The right answer: 4
It was even easier to write.
Does this mean we're all insane? Or just stupid? Admittedly, I make quite the abundance of mistakes. Quite. But they are mostly different mistakes, and they are usually ones that don't really matter because I probably won't make them during competition, and they will only cost me a point here and there in practice. Whatever. We fix these mistakes easily, yet for some reason, people mistakes are really hard to fix. Why do I keep insulting people on accident? My mouth is vile. I am so disgusted with myself for letting down my guard. Why is my only response to hurt to laugh, as if I think better of myself than I do? I hate this lack of self-control.
And so, if you happen to ask me the same question over and over, and my answer is always the same, then maybe you should take the hint that I'm serious. Honestly, today was triggering. I never get mad at y'all, but today, lunch was too much. I shouldn't have gone, but I also believe that you shouldn't have pushed me.
On another note, I've recently met a person who I both respect/admire deeply, yet I am not tempted to imitate him. I usually like copying different types of laughs (I have a collection of great laughs from other people), manners of speech (I once met a Korean girl at the mall and liked her voice's rhythm so much that I copied it for days) , and clean profanity (most commonly heard during my single's matches). In this case... well. cool.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
iAnger
I had an anger run today. It only took one look at my depleting thighs to set me off on my second fastest run yet, fastest run in daylight. Losing my muscle is becoming very depressing. Season is eating me.
At gym, I saw my old pal, Nathan, aimlessly ambling, as he does. (Anyone who knows Nathan, or me, should also know that I was kidding about "old pal." But he is cool. Two person!!!) And I asked him what he was thinking about. His response, I think, was usually "math" or "nothing". And because "nothing" is the worst and lamest answer one could ever give, it became the subject of our next couple conversations.
An interview that I mostly paraphrased:
Question: You are walking. Leisure is the game of the day. Running is not an option. You are enjoying the weather or something. You have no friends (with you). What are you thinking about?
Nathan: That one problem. Math. Nothing.
Michelle: Oh, I wonder what this person's life is like. or something.
Eliza: Nothing. I kind of just idle.
Le moi: So that's how they think. Is this how he sees his life? Is she stupid? How did she grow up? How come he doesn't share anything. That face is nice. He's working out!!! Yes!!! Everything in my life is falling apart.. Everything in my life is okay! I'm creating my own death and what's the word.... demise. surmise. ugh, I suck at English. I wonder when this will stop. Is my church attendance killing me? I want to play badminton. Coach will be so disappointed. I miss MBC... math team! We're screwed. Should I sleep?
What I thought about recently (updated, since September post, "Stuffing"):
Anger and disappointment: in my sister and dad. Really pissed.
Personality: If I turn out like my dad, I will be depressed.
Being fat
Being called fat. (and thus, anger)
Being called worthless (and thus, anger)
Feeling worthless (I'm not actually... no. just in some places, but nowhere important. its mostly fat. sorry.)
And thus, anger
90.7 in physics!!!! Le gasp gasp gasp!!!
Art (and thus, anger)
People
Food: a stupid pothole of stupid
Getting worse at writing (a stupid pothole of stupid? I'm out of it. big time.)
Missing church: sad. and thus, anger.
Not sleeping
Sleeping
College
Math
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Grades.
Why am I blogging so much, you may wonder? The month is only half over and I have already blogged more than I have during any other month. It may be because a friend recently found my blog (she's the first person to do so), so now I consciously think of it more often. It may be because I'm getting emotional. But I prefer to the reason that makes me more cool, so let's go with the first.
These are my grades and their stories. I hope you enjoy them. I might tell you another story after finals.
Honors Precalculus: 95.75. Due to the cadaver of a depression in which I plunge every mid-winter, I started my favorite class with an 89.9. I despise trigonometric graphs with a small passion. Even though my friends have 98s and 99s in this class, I'm grateful for my scores, because I don't try hard enough to deserve anything better.
AP Government: 92.97. Fine. Stay this way. If I committed to the vocab quizzes, I may have a solid A right now. But I don't. I just get good test scores... in fact, I've taken a liking to my teacher and politics. No history course can be worse than AP World.
Honors Molecular Biology: 90.37. This is awkward. At least I'm not alone in bordering the easiest weighted science class in the school. I guess I could blame the curriculum. We watched Nemo because the characters belonged to the phyla we covered.
French 4: 92.38. I strongly dislike the heavily weighted oral standard.
AP Studio: 93.45. I don't like the latter half of my portfolio very much at all, though admittedly, I learned something in this class, mostly relevant to time management, clarity, and arrogance.
Honors Physics: 78.13. I went into retakes with about an accumulating loss of 10 hours of sleep over the week. It was a poor decision... I have a permanent 50% in electrostatics, even though I understand potential difference and electric fields quite well. Screw rash decisions.
Gym: 97.14. It used to be a 92. I always forgot the proper procedures for CPR. My bad.
These are my grades and their stories. I hope you enjoy them. I might tell you another story after finals.
Honors Precalculus: 95.75. Due to the cadaver of a depression in which I plunge every mid-winter, I started my favorite class with an 89.9. I despise trigonometric graphs with a small passion. Even though my friends have 98s and 99s in this class, I'm grateful for my scores, because I don't try hard enough to deserve anything better.
AP Government: 92.97. Fine. Stay this way. If I committed to the vocab quizzes, I may have a solid A right now. But I don't. I just get good test scores... in fact, I've taken a liking to my teacher and politics. No history course can be worse than AP World.
Honors Molecular Biology: 90.37. This is awkward. At least I'm not alone in bordering the easiest weighted science class in the school. I guess I could blame the curriculum. We watched Nemo because the characters belonged to the phyla we covered.
French 4: 92.38. I strongly dislike the heavily weighted oral standard.
AP Studio: 93.45. I don't like the latter half of my portfolio very much at all, though admittedly, I learned something in this class, mostly relevant to time management, clarity, and arrogance.
Honors Physics: 78.13. I went into retakes with about an accumulating loss of 10 hours of sleep over the week. It was a poor decision... I have a permanent 50% in electrostatics, even though I understand potential difference and electric fields quite well. Screw rash decisions.
Gym: 97.14. It used to be a 92. I always forgot the proper procedures for CPR. My bad.
What if.
What if I get sick today? I will be on 3 hours of sleep maximum competing for my school at state Science Olympiad. Good move, sister.
I didn't expect to be blogging at 2 AM in the morning. I think I've stayed up to this time twice in my life, once studying for my AP World final and once talking to my friend about issues. We had issues. What is the real reason behind my staying up?
Tostito chips. Once again, food is dictating my actions. Its disappointing that so much of my performance is dependent on the size of my breakfast and after dinner munchies. As I'm typing mid-sneeze, I'm also terrified that if I don't stay up, I won't be able to burn off the chips. I don't think that's even logical.
There are two things I miss about not caring about food. The first is confidence, something I have when I'm hungry and something extraordinarily fleeting after gluttonous meals. The second is the 10 lbs that my body should not be carrying, something I actually believe is seriously detrimental to my play. My faltering count of pushups is deflating my ego along with the recent B and F I got on my bio and physics tests, respectively.
I mean, physics was 2/4. I can fix it... it just looks and feels very, very ugly.
On the bright side, 2 AM is secret time. This is the time when people forget what they should have, should not have, and did say. It was funny... but my lack of sleep is already bombarding my immune system. My body is telling me to sleep, as is my running nose. Unfortunately, my mind is spinning and my mouth still tastes like Tostito chips.
Very bad move. I should have stuck with carrots and ketchup.
I didn't expect to be blogging at 2 AM in the morning. I think I've stayed up to this time twice in my life, once studying for my AP World final and once talking to my friend about issues. We had issues. What is the real reason behind my staying up?
Tostito chips. Once again, food is dictating my actions. Its disappointing that so much of my performance is dependent on the size of my breakfast and after dinner munchies. As I'm typing mid-sneeze, I'm also terrified that if I don't stay up, I won't be able to burn off the chips. I don't think that's even logical.
There are two things I miss about not caring about food. The first is confidence, something I have when I'm hungry and something extraordinarily fleeting after gluttonous meals. The second is the 10 lbs that my body should not be carrying, something I actually believe is seriously detrimental to my play. My faltering count of pushups is deflating my ego along with the recent B and F I got on my bio and physics tests, respectively.
I mean, physics was 2/4. I can fix it... it just looks and feels very, very ugly.
On the bright side, 2 AM is secret time. This is the time when people forget what they should have, should not have, and did say. It was funny... but my lack of sleep is already bombarding my immune system. My body is telling me to sleep, as is my running nose. Unfortunately, my mind is spinning and my mouth still tastes like Tostito chips.
Very bad move. I should have stuck with carrots and ketchup.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Ninety nine
99 cents cup noodles!!! So appealing, right?
Right. Psychological pricing at its best. Two problems here:
1. Consumer enticement. Apparently, we've got a thing for looking at the digits in the front... only. I guess this isn't really a problem for the industries though.
2. Pennies. They're inefficient... like nickels. I applaud Canada for their abolishing of the penny.
Now, of all things, coin minting is not something I really care about, but I do have complaints about labels that end with 9. Today, I ran a 7:00 mile. Its a pretty good time and a 47 second drop from my time last year, but I'm not really happy at all. My throat has running bubbles inside and my stomach is on the usual runner's good dry air, so really, I should be happy. I haven't run very hard for a long, long time. But I wish I ran a 6:59. What a fantastic time. Its in the 6 minute zone, the cutoff between athletes and normal kids. The minute the word "six-" comes out, people stop hearing the "fifty-nine." If they hear it, they don't care. 6 minute zone! I could have had a cool kid label.
On the other hand, the 7:00 flat goes nicely with my 77 pacers. Maybe its a mischievous trick of my body.
On the penny and nickle: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QY07skX1vCk&list=UUGaVdbSav8xWuFWTadK6loA&index=3&feature=plcp
Fitness test results, 2007 to present:
2007: Mile: 9:20. Pacers: 24. Pushups: 3. Lol.
2008: Mile: 9:00. Pacers: 26. Pushups: 15.
2009: Mile: 8:31. Pacers: 42. Pushups: 15.
2010: Mile: 7:47. Pacers: 67. Pushups: 11.
2012: Mile: 7:00. Pacers: 77. Pushups: 20.
You may have wondered (you probably didn't) why I didn't include curl-ups or sit and reach. I think curl-ups and any crunch activities are stupid because they're usually done improperly with atrocious form, and they're bad for the back. I'm also inflexible, so I choose not to consider flexibility any sort of athletic feat until the extremes.
Right. Psychological pricing at its best. Two problems here:
1. Consumer enticement. Apparently, we've got a thing for looking at the digits in the front... only. I guess this isn't really a problem for the industries though.
2. Pennies. They're inefficient... like nickels. I applaud Canada for their abolishing of the penny.
Now, of all things, coin minting is not something I really care about, but I do have complaints about labels that end with 9. Today, I ran a 7:00 mile. Its a pretty good time and a 47 second drop from my time last year, but I'm not really happy at all. My throat has running bubbles inside and my stomach is on the usual runner's good dry air, so really, I should be happy. I haven't run very hard for a long, long time. But I wish I ran a 6:59. What a fantastic time. Its in the 6 minute zone, the cutoff between athletes and normal kids. The minute the word "six-" comes out, people stop hearing the "fifty-nine." If they hear it, they don't care. 6 minute zone! I could have had a cool kid label.
On the other hand, the 7:00 flat goes nicely with my 77 pacers. Maybe its a mischievous trick of my body.
On the penny and nickle: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QY07skX1vCk&list=UUGaVdbSav8xWuFWTadK6loA&index=3&feature=plcp
Fitness test results, 2007 to present:
2007: Mile: 9:20. Pacers: 24. Pushups: 3. Lol.
2008: Mile: 9:00. Pacers: 26. Pushups: 15.
2009: Mile: 8:31. Pacers: 42. Pushups: 15.
2010: Mile: 7:47. Pacers: 67. Pushups: 11.
2012: Mile: 7:00. Pacers: 77. Pushups: 20.
You may have wondered (you probably didn't) why I didn't include curl-ups or sit and reach. I think curl-ups and any crunch activities are stupid because they're usually done improperly with atrocious form, and they're bad for the back. I'm also inflexible, so I choose not to consider flexibility any sort of athletic feat until the extremes.
Monday, April 9, 2012
"OTL"
Made someone's day! Yes.
This post is not actually about OTL. I don't even know what that is. Its like... kneel, lay, praise in Korean or something. Whatever. My friend uses this phrase a lot, and I named this post for her. Because she's the best badminton buddy ever. Ever.
People always think they will be satisfied when they find love, usually the type that entails dating relationships. I could talk a lot about love here, but no one will listen to me because I'm 16, and I will sound self-righteous again, and the Bible does a fantastic job. 1 Corinthians, the Gospel, 1 John. There are more. If you're lazy, you can go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vCFsQQgkDpA&list=FLJG8OG0QPf3lO6GgMJEjFvA&index=26&feature=plpp_video. If you're Cantonese, you can go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YiG9yX5eB90&list=FLJG8OG0QPf3lO6GgMJEjFvA&index=21&feature=plpp_video.
The point is, I don't think that type of love is enough. Not the videos.. I mean the relationship love. I always found much more meaningful friendship through understanding. "You understand me" is authenticity.. like. Love makes you vulnerable. Understanding is the employment of vulnerability.
I guess.
This post is not actually about OTL. I don't even know what that is. Its like... kneel, lay, praise in Korean or something. Whatever. My friend uses this phrase a lot, and I named this post for her. Because she's the best badminton buddy ever. Ever.
People always think they will be satisfied when they find love, usually the type that entails dating relationships. I could talk a lot about love here, but no one will listen to me because I'm 16, and I will sound self-righteous again, and the Bible does a fantastic job. 1 Corinthians, the Gospel, 1 John. There are more. If you're lazy, you can go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vCFsQQgkDpA&list=FLJG8OG0QPf3lO6GgMJEjFvA&index=26&feature=plpp_video. If you're Cantonese, you can go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YiG9yX5eB90&list=FLJG8OG0QPf3lO6GgMJEjFvA&index=21&feature=plpp_video.
I guess.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Dispelling some misconceptions...
1. I don't need an SAT tutor... where the heck did this even come from? You want to spend over a thousand dollars on some standardized test instead of some VERY PRESTIGIOUS MATH PROGRAMS? Are you serious? Really? Really? I'm glad we had this argument.
2. "Study harder." Are you freaking kidding me. I have some very long and self-righteous rants to insert here. Did you think my 99% on my physics final was an accident? (I only have one reader here... I think, so I'm not bragging... promise... I'm just mad.) Did you think I got the highest score in NSML because I was lucky? And that chance brought me to be assigned in 2-person? Do you really think I do hours of math just for fun? Is is just your genetically passed natural talent that has just donned me with one of the highest gpas in my grade? Do you really think that I didn't work to raise that C+ I had in physics?
Its not like you didn't have the time. Freshman year. Didn't I get a 98% on my AP World final so I could bring my A- to an A just so you would be happy? And then I did the same thing again for you in HAA. The chemistry teacher didn't just feel like giving me a silver test tube or recommending me as her top 2 students to take the ACS. Do you remember how many hours I spent studying for AP Exams? Too many.
I know these accomplishments feel insignificant. They are, actually. I'm happy I did those things, but honestly. As if God will give me a lethal papercut with my report card. Narrow. Minded.
3. "Focus is everything." God is everything. Get out.
4. "Attitude is everything." God is everything.
5. "You are not mature enough." Thanks. Arguably, neither are you.
6. "Take care of your body." No. No way. I don't run twenty miles for fun. I don't do hundreds of pushups and lunges simply because I love the pain (I do, but that's not it...). Have you seen my leg muscles? You've been there, creepily watching every single practice I have, where I've cried from fatigue. Do you know how much weight I've gained because I've had to sit and eat meals that should never have entered my body? Do you know the devastating impact on my spiritual and emotional life your "care" has had? I never had binge-eating, depression cycles, and meal plans this severe. I don't remember the last time I ate lunch at school. Actually I do. It felt terrible. Its been a long time since I've hated my body and face so much (although this is usually temporary; sometimes I think I look good... sometimes). I'm trying to care for my body. You're trying, but utterly, utterly failing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UX5rnABqem0&feature=autoplay&list=FLJG8OG0QPf3lO6GgMJEjFvA&lf=plpp_video&playnext=1
Yes... that was a very... mature rave. Sorry.
2. "Study harder." Are you freaking kidding me. I have some very long and self-righteous rants to insert here. Did you think my 99% on my physics final was an accident? (I only have one reader here... I think, so I'm not bragging... promise... I'm just mad.) Did you think I got the highest score in NSML because I was lucky? And that chance brought me to be assigned in 2-person? Do you really think I do hours of math just for fun? Is is just your genetically passed natural talent that has just donned me with one of the highest gpas in my grade? Do you really think that I didn't work to raise that C+ I had in physics?
Its not like you didn't have the time. Freshman year. Didn't I get a 98% on my AP World final so I could bring my A- to an A just so you would be happy? And then I did the same thing again for you in HAA. The chemistry teacher didn't just feel like giving me a silver test tube or recommending me as her top 2 students to take the ACS. Do you remember how many hours I spent studying for AP Exams? Too many.
I know these accomplishments feel insignificant. They are, actually. I'm happy I did those things, but honestly. As if God will give me a lethal papercut with my report card. Narrow. Minded.
3. "Focus is everything." God is everything. Get out.
4. "Attitude is everything." God is everything.
5. "You are not mature enough." Thanks. Arguably, neither are you.
6. "Take care of your body." No. No way. I don't run twenty miles for fun. I don't do hundreds of pushups and lunges simply because I love the pain (I do, but that's not it...). Have you seen my leg muscles? You've been there, creepily watching every single practice I have, where I've cried from fatigue. Do you know how much weight I've gained because I've had to sit and eat meals that should never have entered my body? Do you know the devastating impact on my spiritual and emotional life your "care" has had? I never had binge-eating, depression cycles, and meal plans this severe. I don't remember the last time I ate lunch at school. Actually I do. It felt terrible. Its been a long time since I've hated my body and face so much (although this is usually temporary; sometimes I think I look good... sometimes). I'm trying to care for my body. You're trying, but utterly, utterly failing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UX5rnABqem0&feature=autoplay&list=FLJG8OG0QPf3lO6GgMJEjFvA&lf=plpp_video&playnext=1
Yes... that was a very... mature rave. Sorry.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Acceptance
Do you know where I want to be accepted? Some certain very good college programs.
People always accept me before I accept them.
Church: This took a very long time. Some blame lies in my inconsistent attendance (which at maximum, would still be 4/118 hours per week), but much of it lies in social differences. Regardless what kind of mindset my parents have carved into me, I have found select few people with whom I really wanted to become friends, all of which have never really happened. We always made lame jokes and worshiped together, but that was it. And my parents have no friends. They don't really want friends either; in fact, they go out of their way not to make friends. So relationships were a sort of new thing.
Oasis: Actually, Oasis is 50% composed of my church's members, but it was different in a couple ways. It started in high school, where I now have a slightly elevated social life (compared to ... before high school) and some previously nonexistent confidence. I wear real clothes now and I don't smell. It helps when boys pretend to love you too... and it helps to mature in Christ. But yes, they admitted me into their team before I willed myself to look past my own arrogance. They welcomed me before I was ready to open my own heart, but eventually, they made me love them.
Christ: It's Good Friday. He accepted me when He died, and I accepted him on December 25, 2008 (at least, that's what I like to think) and played ding-dong ditch a couple hundred times.
*edit. Woops. Now its Saturday-almost-Easter. Still applicable though.
Myself: This section was inevitable, sorry. I can do better. Curse sloth.
Drawing 2: I dislike working with people very much. My pace is almost always inconsistent, and being forced to backtrack or look ahead is too much for my singular quested brain. It's not a selfish request. Trust me, unless you want to here my voice crack in frustration. So when a certain girl interrupted my project for a casual chat, I was anxiously sweating bullets of my silence that hadn't been broken for two semesters. But she invited me to her table (I used to sit alone, but I didn't mind because on the off chance I did get bored, I could eavesdrop others' conversations), and I went. And I made friends... that I still have now. But they started it.
Math team: This was a long process. Nobody liked me. I try too hard and reap few results. I wanted this more than anyone else and didn't even make the team... or NSML meets 4 or 5 (freshman year). It was ugly. But I tried harder and didn't tell anyone, because ICTM isn't really like, say, AIME or USAMO. Who cares? Why would I naively waste time on such a trivial pursuit? Oh... I don't know. So I can have confidence? So I can be not at the bottom among my academic peers? So people don't see a b-sian who can't seem to find fitting pants... ever? So maybe my USAMO qualified math teacher doesn't see me as a hopeless try hard. I bet he knows those.
So yeah I made math team this year. No one can tell that I got 9/25 on NSML 2 in 2010. Now they can only see 114/125 for all conference, although before I start getting cocky, I need to work on 2-person... So thanks, coaches, for putting me on NSML 5, 2 person, and writtens. Thanks for forgetting I wasn't your first generation.
School badminton: I know I try too hard. I know I make it too obvious... but I don't really try to make myself bleed. Honestly. So I understand why people would snivel at me, but still, its depressing. The people who accepted me here though, are the best (competing with Oasis), although somewhat sexual. I took my time accepting them because I'm not here for friends. I'm here to win............5th singles. Augh.
MBC Elite Team: You guys win. What do I even say.
Stupid people: No offense. If you're reading this, you're not one of them. Probably. Probably. Okay, so these people haven't accepted me, mostly because I'm not really friends with these people. But they don't reject me; they just don't care. I thought I'd mention them because I used to reject them all the time, thinking that I was better than them. Then I realized how stupid I was.
Teachers: I've found that a lot of my teachers have been extremely accommodating to bizarre ranges of students. I am extremely impressed. and grateful.
Family: No friends, remember? I was always somewhat ashamed of some of ...the generations... of family members of mine who reject sociability together. Seriously, what is life without relationships? What did school and church teach us about mankind's bond of love? Anyway. The lack of sociability has led to some gauche manners and gross habits, but at least they are competent and providing. And my mom is wonderful and mostly very understanding and accepting of me... I don't understand how that happened. Its just. The dad-side.
SO IF YOU'RE STILL READING. I cry when I think of all of you... legit. When I thank God for everything we share and need that He always provides, people look at me, because I'm sniffing uncontrollably.
People always accept me before I accept them.
Church: This took a very long time. Some blame lies in my inconsistent attendance (which at maximum, would still be 4/118 hours per week), but much of it lies in social differences. Regardless what kind of mindset my parents have carved into me, I have found select few people with whom I really wanted to become friends, all of which have never really happened. We always made lame jokes and worshiped together, but that was it. And my parents have no friends. They don't really want friends either; in fact, they go out of their way not to make friends. So relationships were a sort of new thing.
Oasis: Actually, Oasis is 50% composed of my church's members, but it was different in a couple ways. It started in high school, where I now have a slightly elevated social life (compared to ... before high school) and some previously nonexistent confidence. I wear real clothes now and I don't smell. It helps when boys pretend to love you too... and it helps to mature in Christ. But yes, they admitted me into their team before I willed myself to look past my own arrogance. They welcomed me before I was ready to open my own heart, but eventually, they made me love them.
Christ: It's Good Friday. He accepted me when He died, and I accepted him on December 25, 2008 (at least, that's what I like to think) and played ding-dong ditch a couple hundred times.
*edit. Woops. Now its Saturday-almost-Easter. Still applicable though.
Myself: This section was inevitable, sorry. I can do better. Curse sloth.
Drawing 2: I dislike working with people very much. My pace is almost always inconsistent, and being forced to backtrack or look ahead is too much for my singular quested brain. It's not a selfish request. Trust me, unless you want to here my voice crack in frustration. So when a certain girl interrupted my project for a casual chat, I was anxiously sweating bullets of my silence that hadn't been broken for two semesters. But she invited me to her table (I used to sit alone, but I didn't mind because on the off chance I did get bored, I could eavesdrop others' conversations), and I went. And I made friends... that I still have now. But they started it.
Math team: This was a long process. Nobody liked me. I try too hard and reap few results. I wanted this more than anyone else and didn't even make the team... or NSML meets 4 or 5 (freshman year). It was ugly. But I tried harder and didn't tell anyone, because ICTM isn't really like, say, AIME or USAMO. Who cares? Why would I naively waste time on such a trivial pursuit? Oh... I don't know. So I can have confidence? So I can be not at the bottom among my academic peers? So people don't see a b-sian who can't seem to find fitting pants... ever? So maybe my USAMO qualified math teacher doesn't see me as a hopeless try hard. I bet he knows those.
So yeah I made math team this year. No one can tell that I got 9/25 on NSML 2 in 2010. Now they can only see 114/125 for all conference, although before I start getting cocky, I need to work on 2-person... So thanks, coaches, for putting me on NSML 5, 2 person, and writtens. Thanks for forgetting I wasn't your first generation.
School badminton: I know I try too hard. I know I make it too obvious... but I don't really try to make myself bleed. Honestly. So I understand why people would snivel at me, but still, its depressing. The people who accepted me here though, are the best (competing with Oasis), although somewhat sexual. I took my time accepting them because I'm not here for friends. I'm here to win............5th singles. Augh.
MBC Elite Team: You guys win. What do I even say.
Stupid people: No offense. If you're reading this, you're not one of them. Probably. Probably. Okay, so these people haven't accepted me, mostly because I'm not really friends with these people. But they don't reject me; they just don't care. I thought I'd mention them because I used to reject them all the time, thinking that I was better than them. Then I realized how stupid I was.
Teachers: I've found that a lot of my teachers have been extremely accommodating to bizarre ranges of students. I am extremely impressed. and grateful.
Family: No friends, remember? I was always somewhat ashamed of some of ...the generations... of family members of mine who reject sociability together. Seriously, what is life without relationships? What did school and church teach us about mankind's bond of love? Anyway. The lack of sociability has led to some gauche manners and gross habits, but at least they are competent and providing. And my mom is wonderful and mostly very understanding and accepting of me... I don't understand how that happened. Its just. The dad-side.
SO IF YOU'RE STILL READING. I cry when I think of all of you... legit. When I thank God for everything we share and need that He always provides, people look at me, because I'm sniffing uncontrollably.
Reconciliations
Yes! Finally.
How my coach and I stopped being awkward:
1. I lost my first game even though I could have won. Easily. Dang Fremd.
2. I pulled my right butt cheek, bruised the insides of my toes, and pulled the back of my left ankle.
2. I played some ugly games and lost ugly points.
3. My coach watched the whole time.
4. My coach told me that I have no strategy.
5. My coach told me that my overhead (yes, not clear. just overhead) is weak.
6. My coach said I have no speed change.
7. My coach bashed Midwest. Not okay.
8. My coach said, "所以你走的时候，我还是很sad， 因为我以近给你想出一个plan, 让你进步。最后两个月，我让他们小group一起念。你走了真是可喜。" And more, but I forgot.
9. We argued about teaching style and legitimacy.
10. She told me to come back to her camp.
AWWW.
If only she kept her promises. If only I valued my body less than I valued badminton.
How my coach and I stopped being awkward:
1. I lost my first game even though I could have won. Easily. Dang Fremd.
2. I pulled my right butt cheek, bruised the insides of my toes, and pulled the back of my left ankle.
2. I played some ugly games and lost ugly points.
3. My coach watched the whole time.
4. My coach told me that I have no strategy.
5. My coach told me that my overhead (yes, not clear. just overhead) is weak.
6. My coach said I have no speed change.
7. My coach bashed Midwest. Not okay.
8. My coach said, "所以你走的时候，我还是很sad， 因为我以近给你想出一个plan, 让你进步。最后两个月，我让他们小group一起念。你走了真是可喜。" And more, but I forgot.
9. We argued about teaching style and legitimacy.
10. She told me to come back to her camp.
AWWW.
If only she kept her promises. If only I valued my body less than I valued badminton.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Good Enough
by Paula Yoo.
It's not even well-written. The word choice is elementary and the dialogue is shallow. So awk. But I bought it for a reason... 4 years ago. Its about Asian parents and Asian grades. Its about HARVARDYALEPRINCETON and SATs. Its about cute boys and violin and Korean church. I actually cried at the end ... again. I've read it like what 5 times now.. at least. Too good.
Things teachers said to me in the past week:
"Why are you so bad at math?" It was legitimate. I forgot the 20 21 29 triangle.
"Good thing you have a good sense of humor." Thanks. But I bleed a lot more than y'all think... and when I'm not funny, I'm depressed.
"You and Nathan, I don't know." This was a good compliment. Thanks.
The history of CollegeBoard, the president, his three wives, and the background of AP Chinese. k.
Luscious hair is the best.
It's not even well-written. The word choice is elementary and the dialogue is shallow. So awk. But I bought it for a reason... 4 years ago. Its about Asian parents and Asian grades. Its about HARVARDYALEPRINCETON and SATs. Its about cute boys and violin and Korean church. I actually cried at the end ... again. I've read it like what 5 times now.. at least. Too good.
Things teachers said to me in the past week:
"Why are you so bad at math?" It was legitimate. I forgot the 20 21 29 triangle.
"Good thing you have a good sense of humor." Thanks. But I bleed a lot more than y'all think... and when I'm not funny, I'm depressed.
"You and Nathan, I don't know." This was a good compliment. Thanks.
The history of CollegeBoard, the president, his three wives, and the background of AP Chinese. k.
Luscious hair is the best.
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