Raindrops

I should probably wait until the weekend is over to reflect on it, but its 11:06 PM and I slept 4 hours on the bus and almost toppled over during the award ceremony, and now I'm awake, still writhing with self-hatred, wondering when on earth the constant fear of looking bad will ever go away.

A list of things that happened this week:
2 physics finals, 1 particle physics test (is weak force really the weakest force??? I am confounded.)
1 chemistry final (I have a B+ forever)
1 APUSH test, one APUSH debate (our opponents insulted our race, my teacher said I was pathetic, but he was nice about it, so we ended up agreeing that gpa is stupid)
Badminton sectionals (I got 2nd, which means everyone now continues to look down upon me because I'm not the best, which means they will continue to expect more but actually less, which means I just have to work harder)
A friend (a "friend", they say) threatened to hack my accounts, is now "so done with me", and tells everyone that I'm a terrible person, which is probably half true
Caught up with a couple friends
A timed writing, but by the time I found out, I could care less
Math team state. We did collectively poorly.

At some points, I remember reaching distinct euphoric moods- those of pleasure, what once I felt, I thought I might chase forever; those of friendship, companionship, of praying side by side, still allowed cry, esepcially since I just sounded like I was sick; those of exhaustion, the simple depletion of everything my body has left to give. Three times, three seconds - a rush, a wink, and sigh, I saw something more than dread for the next school day.

And no, I'm not in love with any of those things, even though they're what I'm left chasing at the end of a cold and starving chemistry class. Lately, I haven't felt anything but a deep and restless fatigue, accomapanied by the senselessness of waking the next morning to find out how mediocre numbers have made me become. Math team is over, but in the past month, I only got out of bed to check if my body had returned to normal, and if it hadn't, I would stumble downstairs, disoriented by ugly my reflection seemed to be. I would stay angry, still bitter of the sin that has flooded in and out of my life, bitter that she was a dying, unfreed speck and that we looked forward only to the end, because the present holds nothing but a standardized grip on our hunch back necks.

Laura Story had it right though. What if our blessings come in raindrops? They did, they do, not just because school was closed on a rain day without rescheduling finals. It was the rainy day that quieted my hearts in a cold and sniffly basement. It was when I was alone, still before God, still surrounded by pure motives. What if our healing comes through tears? I think there have been enough tears to just pass this through. I've trembled a lot this week... its been tough. What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near? I guess I still have 800 more nights. What if my greatest disappointments and the achings of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy?