Design, a temporary confession

The pile of SAT and AP prep books stacked in the corner of my room is the size of a small child. The idea of making critical thinkers with a step-by-step guide is worthy of bonfire destruction. I did enjoy the Barron's APUSH book, and I suppose Barron's AP Chem and Physics B were relevant, but what a waste of money. What a waste of worry.

As this year has progressed, I became increasingly dispassionate about the subject matter of my classes. Last year, biology was ruined for me because the teachers were the worst. I can't blame them; teaching such a complicated subject at such a basic level must be frustrating, especially with such assuming, gpa-oriented students, but now I'd hate to be a doctor, and not only because I get tired of people really easily. I got a B in Chemistry twice, so that's forever terrible. Plus I never understood buffers. Physics dried up really fast as well. While quantum mechanics are incredibly bewildering, the technicalities of electromagnetism and thermodynamics squeeze the enthusiasm out of me. I spent my last 100 minutes in Physics B today on Facebook and eating my friends double egg sandwich. There's calculus, but even with the best teacher in the world, I can't help but feel overwhelmed with impatience and tedium in class. Even when I understand redox or apush or integrals, there's no sense of joy.

Is this kind of college prep a monopoly? Or am I just short-sighted? Or do I have no idea what I want to do? When people ask me about my future field, I always reply with applied mathematics, or architecture, or something stupid and generic like engineering, but in the back of my head, I'm still thinking that if my parent's would let me, design. Maybe its the struggle to do this that will make my work passionate enough to be worth it. I go to school with an impending doom to tolerate seven classes. Still I feel the most free, the most happy, when I'm on the computer, tirelessly scrubbing away a tshirt cover.

When I watch vlogbrothers, browse dftba, the Ellen shop, read Redbubble's FAQ, I always think that if I could work the ropes like David Karp (he's the creator of Tumblr. If you don't read the link I gave you, you must not be a real blogger) did, wouldn't that be okay? To keep creating for a greater good than spending my entire capacity on computer programming. I can't imagine myself as an engineer. It always felt so wrong to say out loud, to think inside. Is this time the I face it? Because I don't think anyone else wants to do so with me.

Here's a video about art. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=nDwTjPsG4b0
It makes context very romantic. I think John and Hank are going to change many worlds.