Better than Average

Anyone who has read even a little into psych knows that we (people in general) have a very strong tendency to think really highly of ourselves. Like… our brain has adjusted to make ourselves see our reflections as more symmetrical and beautiful in real life. And when we make mistakes, it’s because it was a “bad day” and when other people make mistakes, it’s because they are weaker, less practiced, or just no good.

So… I’m going through this list (posted by Shannon… hooray!) but with some side commentary, because sometimes I don’t know if I’m being egoistic or if I’m actually right. Thanks Shannon for posting this though.

I know this is a really long post, but it’s probably also the best post to read if you really want to know me. No matter how much I talk about or spend time on math or badminton or school or whatever, at the end of the day, it all comes back to this stuff. Every night I reflect on my day, and usually it’s in regret of wasting so much time on such worthless causes. Sure I love playing with numbers and flying on courts, but that’s not really me. Me is what God put inside when I was born. Me is my love, thoughts, and friendships. Me is about Jesus. Also “me is” should be “I am”. Whatever.

1. You attend church regularly. It’s what is expected of you, and that’s what “good Christians” do. My church attendance is the worst from January to May because this is usually the peak of my annual depression cycle. On the other hand, I attend church because I want to learn the Word and worship with the body, not because I want to be a good Christian.

2. You give money to the church or to charities as long as it doesn’t mess with your standard of living. Actually, when I have money, I am completely willing to give it all to any church-affiliated cause. However, my money has no effect on how I eat, sleep, study, or play, so I still have to say this until my parents stop paying for me.

3. You tend to choose what is popular over what is right when you’re conflicted. You want to fit in at church and outside of church. You care more of what people think than what God thinks. I don’t care much for popularity that comes with a bad reputation in God’s kingdom. I’ve been pretty lucky to be acquainted mostly with people who would think well of the same things of which God would think well. Many people’s judgments mean nothing to me because they are incomplete, biased, and mostly irrational.

4. You don’t really want to be saved from your sin, but rather from the consequences of your sin. You don’t really believe that the life God can give you will be better than your old sinful life. Sometimes, I kind of enjoy the dramatic emotions of suffering for my sin when I persist in it, but at the worst times, I’m desperate to be saved. I have yet to be able to imagine life with God as exciting or wonderful because there is no risk or sin with which to battle. I mean, I know it’s wonderful, but just how long can we be satisfied? Eternity is a long time. I think I’ll have to suffer harsher consequences for my sin to understand.

5. You’re moved by stories about people who do radical things for God. But you don’t act since you think only the “extreme” Christians do these things. But God calls all of his followers to do radical things for Him. I am so unconfident about my own prayers that doing anything beyond silently bowing my head scares me way too much. But yes, I am very moved by even the slightest hint of God’s great love in anything or anyone.

6. You rarely share your faith with others. You don’t want to be rejected or make people feel uncomfortable by talking about private issues like religion. I dislike many social occasions. Crowds depress me only slightly more than the usual small group conversations. I often don’t even attempt to answer people’s questions because I know I can’t produce anything satisfactory. These are all basically excuses so I can stay away from sharing my faith.

7. You determine how “good” you are based on comparing yourself to others of the secular world. Like oh, at least I’m not as bad as the guy down the street. No. Sin is the same. I will rejoice, cry, fail, and die as much as a drunken prostitute will. We are all sinners, we all need Jesus.

8. You say you love Jesus but you only give him a part of your life. You’re not willing to let him control all aspects of your life. When I give Him control, I often look for him to improve the physical circumstances of life, like my body, or grades, or habits. I don’t want to use Him as my guarantee-win tool. I hope one day I will be able to let him control my heart.

9. You love God. But not with your heart, soul, and strength. You say you try, but total devotion is only possible for pastors and missionaries. I struggle with love for anyone.

10. You love others, but you don’t seek to love people as much as you love yourself, your love is mainly focused on people at love you back. It’s highly conditional and selective. My lame excuse is at least I don’t hate other people. There are many people I don’t respect very much, but I don’t hate them… but I certainly don’t love them. In the past couple of years, I have become apathetic to the majority of people.

11. You serve God, but there are limits to how far you will contribute your money, time, etc. Actually throughout the day, I frequently remember the mediocre efforts I am able to contribute to serving God, but it is usually limited to a “thank you God” and “help me God” between every other breath.

12. You think more about this world than eternity in heaven. Like I said above, I think about eternity quite often, but my actions reflect almost nothing of it. Once in a while, you might catch me saying “no one cares” or “it doesn’t matter.” It sounds like I’m being lazy, but I’m actually talking about Heaven.

13. You are thankful for your luxuries, rather than thinking of how you can give as much as possible to the poor. How do I do this? Someone please hook me up to an agency that will ship my wasted food, paper, AC, and clothing to Africa. I’m not sure how this works.

14. You do whatever is necessary to avoid feeling guilty. Most of the time, it is the bare minimum. Is this about the Asian mindset of always paying people back for their gifts and time? I think it’s dumb. If not, I don’t know what this is about, but I’m usually not a minimalist.

15. You are focused on controlling your own life and playing it safe. You don’t want to sacrifice and risk things for God. I wonder what I would focus on if my parents didn’t pressure me so much to earn strictly A’s.

16. You don’t live by faith. If you stopped believing in God, your life wouldn’t look much different. You have your whole life planned out; no need for God’s help. At present, my faith seems dormant in my actions and words, but for most people, this is because they didn’t know me before. Without God, I would probably be in intensive care, half bald, 38 bpm, if not dead. Had I somehow overcome those issues, I assure you that my wrists would be slit and the number of scars I have would double. There is an off chance that I would have drank and be … well I’d still be a virgin, but a defiled one. And I’d be really good at throwing up and pooing. Maybe I’d have a couple B’s. My lifestyle and intelligence have been totally shaped by God. I cannot live without Him, and He won’t let me live without Him.

17. You drink and swear less than average. You equate your partially sanitized lives with holiness. For the first part, thank goodness. For the second part, no. It is good not to drink and swear, but there is plenty of other sin for me to abuse.

Case in point, I’m lukewarm.