The Game

Something's going to change.

Senior year has been so upside down. Everyone's mixed up, everyone's entangled, and I'm so happy to have my friends.

Sometimes, when I listen to Bring Me the Night, I still wonder about what could have been. What could have been better, more beautiful, more peaceful. More tragic in some dreamily wonderful way. And the hole I promised them would still be here... it opens back up, for a moment, a vast emptiness gnaws at the past. I know that when I'm dreaming, we're dreaming, we don't seem so far. Somehow, you'll be here with me soon. You're calling me when you're sleeping beneath the same moon. I used to pretend they were still here, but as it got darker and darker, this desperate love slipped away.

Then we sit in front of each other, still smiling with shifting eyes, still wondering, still friends. Safe enough to know an entire childhood, an entire person, mysterious enough to find the delight in the wriggling lantern's lights. Something so comfortable that a foot away, what I see is a culmination of a million parts that I know deeply, parts that I pushed to kiss someone else, parts that I spent all of my attention to give to my best friend. Parts that make me furious and sink into hopelessness, parts that I've always adored and loved with all of my might.

All of these parts that came together. When I see them move into life, a surge of affection rises inside and settles in a quiet, crawling wave. Before, I said I wanted something different, but now, the quickened heartbeat, flush of laughter, helpless smile, and man... the cut. It grew on me.

Its going to change when college decisions come. T-minus 6 hours and 16 hours. Its going to change because it already has and broken hearts are all over. A couple things on that:

People don't change. Every girl wants a bad boy who will be good just for her. But there are so very few angels, so much fewer that have the power of God behind them.

Sex is unforgettable, intimate, deep, binding. It doesn't matter if you're making real love or stupid love, but nothing will ever take that away.

I thought everyone knew this one. Never make important decisions when you're emotional.

The song Payphone. One more fucking love song and I'll be sick. All those fairy tales are full of shit. The sun sets even in paradise.