Dunkin Donuts: An APUSH Essay

An argument for the importance of donuts and coffee.
I pray that my teacher will accept this.

Some people would argue that America barely runs on Dunkin. When it does, it runs very, very slowly; the term “waddles quickly” seems more appropriate. For me though, a solid 550 calories supplied by one beautiful Chocolate Coconut Cake Donut is fuel for an abnormally fast paced and guilt ridden run. I would love to run so quickly again, but because I had little time and energy to debate the benefits and repercussions of enjoying the sweet 14 grams of fat in my favorite Jelly Filled Donut, I purchased an unsweetened iced coffee for $1.08 in the Dunkin territory, all in the name of this assignment.

Dunkin Donuts claims that its donuts have brought smiles since 1950. Perhaps that is true, but with the gleeful grin plastered on the little boy’s face come a ladle of saturated fat, a shower of sugar, and only an occasional drop of protein. Dunkin’s coffee is what has made and is making true history, and it is making it far faster and far more efficiently than did any general, president, or commander.

Coffee is the American drug but also much, much more. The end to the list of countries that thrive on the production and consumption of coffee is far from the start (but if need be, I can start by listing Mexico, Puerto Rico, Guatemala, Ethiopia, the Ivory Coast…). As America’s largest retailer of coffee-by-the-cup, Dunkin Donuts is stimulating the world to stay awake and urinate unnaturally frequently every single second. 30 cups of coffee are catered by the second in any of the 10083 stores in the world. 2.7 million cups of coffee are making, presumably, at least a million customers more productive and likely to sculpt history than they should be.

In its unwavering, and in fact rising, demand to serve the people, Dunkin has preserved small bundles of happiness for every donut and coffee lover to appreciate. The Dutch have been generally been given credit for introducing the lump of fried cake and naming it the “doughnut,” and indeed, Dunkin has kept the tradition of frying its dough and naming the circular products “donuts.” Accordingly, Dunkin has also made available an assortment of donuts with holes in the center, as first done by Captain Gregory when he impaled a perfectly whole doughnut on his steering wheel. Even better, Dunkin has taken the liberty to vigorously crank out dozens of flavors of donuts, each type more complex than the next (for instance, the Chocolate Frosted Donut to the Chocolate Glazed Cake Donut to the Double Cocoa Kreme Puff Donut). Its menu is a textbook of the donut’s development in 60 years.

I am impressed and disgusted. The coffee I finished drinking long ago was made from perfectly roasted cherry-like beans. The donuts I could smell were freshly deep fried and the service was instantaneous. I have a lot of reservations concerning junk food, but the smooth, swept floors and glistening racks of baked goods (apparently Dunkin has expanded to all breakfast items) almost convince me that dying of a heart attack might be worth the occasional treat.