Okay, I'm writing again, I think.
I thought it would take a lot more alcohol to get me to feel this verbally expressive about feelings again. It turns out, it just takes a lot of shit to happen, and finally, finally getting a break from it all in the first instance of personal air conditioning I've experienced in the past year. Also, I read amany random journal I brought to college last year, with things from more than two years ago. How things change in that time... how many boys can be captured............................ just kidding.
This is probably not going to beautiful. Maybe only on principle.
Let's start with right now. I think I'm the CEO of a company of which I don't want to be the CEO. I signed something that says I have shares or something, but I really only care about making stuff. This summer started with four to eight hours of pure, fanatical drawing, every single night. If it weren't for showing up to my internship with two hours of sleep every morning, it would have been amazing. But... that's what I want to do - make stupid looking animations, draw hands, put shapes together on Photoshop. Spending almost the entirety of May obsessively trying to understand the components of the lower legs has 1) let me think, a lot, about how much I liked doing it 2) gotten me feeling regret... real regret, for wasting time on math and food and people who might not matter.
I've been to a lot of meetings and have done a couple pitches, but man, if that's what CEOs do, I'm out before next year. People in the incubator have been really nice about the rise of this mess of a 19 year old taking over for her overqualified 29 year old friend going off to work his real, important job, and for all of the initiative and resources given to me, I'm thankful. But I hate it. We might be pushing the frontiers of university networking, and it might be riding the technological pivot of the education industry, and its very beautiful, but I don't really care...... my mission is somewhere else
People keep telling me that I'm going to regret it if I give up an opportunity like this, especially to be able to learn about this crazy mess of startup business "when I'm young".
Maybe they're right. Maybe I'm just stupid through and through.
