We call it by different names.
Boredom. Depression. Loneliness. Insanity. Fatigue. Not to make any of these clinically inferior or equal to the others, but colloquially, this is what we call it.
It's not that I miss home - I do, but only as much as the average person. I miss real Chinese food, having a room and bed to myself, conservative-Asian heating, sleeping and waking without dramatic changes in my body temperature.
It's not that college sucks. Despite Cornell's atrocious administration and pricing, there's an unlimited supply of eggs and vegetables and the best ice cream in America. I can greet the badminton graduate students outside of the club. Grades aren't perfect, but at least above average. The plantations spread beneath us at sunset; the gym is a 3 minute walk away. Onion petals, Tumblr, Youtube, Food Network, laundry, apples, comics, supplies - I have all of it..
It's not that I lack deep and real love from friends and family. It's not that I don't have a soulmate, or a mom and dad who care with everything they have plus their salaries. It's not that I can't pull up Messenger and immediately get a dinner with someone on campus or catch up with someone back home.
It's not that I'm unemployed. I tutor for a higher pay than you'd think parents would give in pursuit of the perfect SAT. I draw 12 to 15 hours per week... as a job. I write dumb shit once in a while and use that money to get anything and everything I want and need at Target.
It's not that my roommate is intolerable. In fact, she lets me eat anything she buys, sometimes with great amusement of the passion with which I do so...
I'm not sure what it is, but it makes me seize up and panic and cry. It makes me become intensely bored with nearly everyone I meet. It makes me neglect conversations, eat alone, and walk to class only to fall dead asleep in ten minutes. It makes me hate the signs that say "Caution: No Winter Maintenance" and stop assuming the best in anyone. Everything seems a little bit stupid, a little bit shallow, overhyped. As if I'm not, or something.
How can I express this without sounding/being arrogant? Sometimes I think that the most self-aware and "intelligent" people are the saddest. This is obviously not an original thought, but it occurs to me often. I don't really want to call myself one of these people, but for the sake of expressing what I want to say, let's assume I'm "in touch," okay? I like to think that Satan sees what kind of powerhouses we would be if we weren't so incapacitated by the world.
Maybe.
