A handsome testament to why I wish I could run and swim and fly (also, inspiration): Connor Franta.
A quote from Chelsea:
"My life is a comedy of errors."
This past week, I have stayed up every single night to work on a mediocre project. The literal grappling between dreams and nightmares is fought in my starving closet. It is but a scuffle in hectic glow, where blows make but a scratch in the predestined Cadillac. In fact, when I wake the next morning, taking up too much space, the weight of the bigger dents presses against me. I did get that string of B's and C's and D's. I was so vexed and begrudging and angry.
But there was not more than a moment when I regretted it. I have promised you and myself and the learing expectations of my parents - I will create and create and create and be part of a system that doesn't have OS as part of its label. When I was gone, I wasn't studying or TAing or delivering. I was making.
Have you ever fallen in love before? Have you ever held a person's hand, knowing that when you let go, it will be the last time you can acknowledge your crazy, irrational love for them? Have you ever seen the sparkling sunset, even right through your windows, and smiled at a completely new day, new life? Have you ever watched How I Met Your Mother Season 9 Episode 17?
Have you felt a love that extends far beyond those of romantic relationships? Have you felt an infinitely grateful affection for the people from who you can sit an inch away and feel no spark but that of friendship? Have you ever come out of a string of intense competition and felt the grip of community and union in our years together?
There were several reasons I decided to say the three hardest, most out-of-context sentences I've said in my life. All of them can be paraphrased from quotations that other people have already made... on Tumblr:
1. I cannot stand small talk. Don't you ever sense the elephant in the room, shitting all over everything? Aren't you ever just dying to say, "Hey, do you ever feel like jumping off a bridge?" or "Do you feel an emptiness inside your chest at night that is going to swallow you?" I thought he understood, but we were just playing at cocktail parties.
2. Why do you hate silence? It is so hard to find, but its power is so great. In its presence, we find something that's beyond the moment, a place that restores and satiates our hunger for acceptance. Silence is not unspoken criticism or hard withdrawal. It never had to be broken.
3. Screw our collection of dismantled almosts. What almost? What was not cowardice and bashfulness, reservedness and caution? What was not every single day, when I retreat to myself, shaking my head to the dissonance of my thoughts and my actions? To the rest of my relationships to the rest of my people, we will be far more than almost.
4. I thought about the people that I love. I thought about the people that I want to love. They are their words and thoughts and hearts. I'm not going to lie - after spending so much time immersed in Chelsea's blog, I have developed a low tolerance for falling in love with fictional characters. I mean, they're on YouTube - but even the real people... it is their exposed soul that I've learned to appreciate.
5. And one last thing, also stolen from the other side of reason. I do not need someone to complete me. I offered for us to walk, if you would like, side by side, to whatever is coming next. In a couple little ways, we did, but this was no infinity. There are things that I remember now, like the day I read your poetry and our first League matches, but I'm absolutely certain that I will forget everything about you. First it will be those math problems, then our tests, then our classes. After that, it will be your stubble, your hands, your hair, your face. And because we didn't share that primal, honest, true touch that extends far past the reaches of science, I will eventually forget your name.
I think, for now, my time entangling with romance is over. For so much afflicted and inflicted pain, for such perpetual disgust, for the remnants of bitterness and anger that ring in my head day after day, I don't really mind. I know that when I ask you about your life again, when I ask about your girls or your marathon training or your games or your gym routine, not even a part of your responses will matter. We will be strangers, again. I'm never going to stay and wait for my heart to be ripped out, even if its the courageous thing to do. I'm going to turn around, walk away, and start anew.
Have you ever fallen in love before? Have you ever held a person's hand, knowing that when you let go, it will be the last time you can acknowledge your crazy, irrational love for them? Have you ever seen the sparkling sunset, even right through your windows, and smiled at a completely new day, new life? Have you ever watched How I Met Your Mother Season 9 Episode 17?
Have you felt a love that extends far beyond those of romantic relationships? Have you felt an infinitely grateful affection for the people from who you can sit an inch away and feel no spark but that of friendship? Have you ever come out of a string of intense competition and felt the grip of community and union in our years together?
There were several reasons I decided to say the three hardest, most out-of-context sentences I've said in my life. All of them can be paraphrased from quotations that other people have already made... on Tumblr:
1. I cannot stand small talk. Don't you ever sense the elephant in the room, shitting all over everything? Aren't you ever just dying to say, "Hey, do you ever feel like jumping off a bridge?" or "Do you feel an emptiness inside your chest at night that is going to swallow you?" I thought he understood, but we were just playing at cocktail parties.
2. Why do you hate silence? It is so hard to find, but its power is so great. In its presence, we find something that's beyond the moment, a place that restores and satiates our hunger for acceptance. Silence is not unspoken criticism or hard withdrawal. It never had to be broken.
3. Screw our collection of dismantled almosts. What almost? What was not cowardice and bashfulness, reservedness and caution? What was not every single day, when I retreat to myself, shaking my head to the dissonance of my thoughts and my actions? To the rest of my relationships to the rest of my people, we will be far more than almost.
4. I thought about the people that I love. I thought about the people that I want to love. They are their words and thoughts and hearts. I'm not going to lie - after spending so much time immersed in Chelsea's blog, I have developed a low tolerance for falling in love with fictional characters. I mean, they're on YouTube - but even the real people... it is their exposed soul that I've learned to appreciate.
5. And one last thing, also stolen from the other side of reason. I do not need someone to complete me. I offered for us to walk, if you would like, side by side, to whatever is coming next. In a couple little ways, we did, but this was no infinity. There are things that I remember now, like the day I read your poetry and our first League matches, but I'm absolutely certain that I will forget everything about you. First it will be those math problems, then our tests, then our classes. After that, it will be your stubble, your hands, your hair, your face. And because we didn't share that primal, honest, true touch that extends far past the reaches of science, I will eventually forget your name.
I think, for now, my time entangling with romance is over. For so much afflicted and inflicted pain, for such perpetual disgust, for the remnants of bitterness and anger that ring in my head day after day, I don't really mind. I know that when I ask you about your life again, when I ask about your girls or your marathon training or your games or your gym routine, not even a part of your responses will matter. We will be strangers, again. I'm never going to stay and wait for my heart to be ripped out, even if its the courageous thing to do. I'm going to turn around, walk away, and start anew.
