He asked if I was disappointed.
What could I say, but that I'm a disappointment too. No one ever believes it the first time.
And you thought this would be another depressing post.
Oh wait.
In one sense, nothing has changed. Being admitted to the only college I could imagine truly loving did nothing for how badly I look at myself, how horrendous yesterday was. That insensible hope for a revolution vanished in last night's crawling self-disgust. But now, it hangs, useless, spent – no, it is not spent. I am.
At the same time, I'm so relieved. Those four B's didn't mean I was stupid. Dropping AP French was more than just an act of hot indignation. National Honor Society, WYSE, JETS, who needs those? I didn't have to be a DECA champion or a prodigal student. I could just be me. And some part of this ingenuity got across, and somehow, they accepted it.
...
The darkness really does hide a lot of things. That old vanilla twilight didn't have a single star... there were so many unfilled spaces, so few of those kind of whispers. But maybe this is the way its supposed to be. Maybe this way, I have no mistakes, past to hide. Maybe this way, when I'm hugging my legs to my chest and sighing at the princesses breaking out into song, I'm not thinking about roses and pillows, but a very lucky friendship.
But the darkness also creates closeness, and when the closeness becomes paper thin, shimmering like broken glass, its breaks against the rocks and rushes up the shore. And now, once again, there's no darkness to fill at all.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Monday, December 9, 2013
The Game
Something's going to change.
Senior year has been so upside down. Everyone's mixed up, everyone's entangled, and I'm so happy to have my friends.
Sometimes, when I listen to Bring Me the Night, I still wonder about what could have been. What could have been better, more beautiful, more peaceful. More tragic in some dreamily wonderful way. And the hole I promised them would still be here... it opens back up, for a moment, a vast emptiness gnaws at the past. I know that when I'm dreaming, we're dreaming, we don't seem so far. Somehow, you'll be here with me soon. You're calling me when you're sleeping beneath the same moon. I used to pretend they were still here, but as it got darker and darker, this desperate love slipped away.
Then we sit in front of each other, still smiling with shifting eyes, still wondering, still friends. Safe enough to know an entire childhood, an entire person, mysterious enough to find the delight in the wriggling lantern's lights. Something so comfortable that a foot away, what I see is a culmination of a million parts that I know deeply, parts that I pushed to kiss someone else, parts that I spent all of my attention to give to my best friend. Parts that make me furious and sink into hopelessness, parts that I've always adored and loved with all of my might.
All of these parts that came together. When I see them move into life, a surge of affection rises inside and settles in a quiet, crawling wave. Before, I said I wanted something different, but now, the quickened heartbeat, flush of laughter, helpless smile, and man... the cut. It grew on me.
Its going to change when college decisions come. T-minus 6 hours and 16 hours. Its going to change because it already has and broken hearts are all over. A couple things on that:
People don't change. Every girl wants a bad boy who will be good just for her. But there are so very few angels, so much fewer that have the power of God behind them.
Sex is unforgettable, intimate, deep, binding. It doesn't matter if you're making real love or stupid love, but nothing will ever take that away.
I thought everyone knew this one. Never make important decisions when you're emotional.
The song Payphone. One more fucking love song and I'll be sick. All those fairy tales are full of shit. The sun sets even in paradise.
Senior year has been so upside down. Everyone's mixed up, everyone's entangled, and I'm so happy to have my friends.
Sometimes, when I listen to Bring Me the Night, I still wonder about what could have been. What could have been better, more beautiful, more peaceful. More tragic in some dreamily wonderful way. And the hole I promised them would still be here... it opens back up, for a moment, a vast emptiness gnaws at the past. I know that when I'm dreaming, we're dreaming, we don't seem so far. Somehow, you'll be here with me soon. You're calling me when you're sleeping beneath the same moon. I used to pretend they were still here, but as it got darker and darker, this desperate love slipped away.
Then we sit in front of each other, still smiling with shifting eyes, still wondering, still friends. Safe enough to know an entire childhood, an entire person, mysterious enough to find the delight in the wriggling lantern's lights. Something so comfortable that a foot away, what I see is a culmination of a million parts that I know deeply, parts that I pushed to kiss someone else, parts that I spent all of my attention to give to my best friend. Parts that make me furious and sink into hopelessness, parts that I've always adored and loved with all of my might.
All of these parts that came together. When I see them move into life, a surge of affection rises inside and settles in a quiet, crawling wave. Before, I said I wanted something different, but now, the quickened heartbeat, flush of laughter, helpless smile, and man... the cut. It grew on me.
Its going to change when college decisions come. T-minus 6 hours and 16 hours. Its going to change because it already has and broken hearts are all over. A couple things on that:
People don't change. Every girl wants a bad boy who will be good just for her. But there are so very few angels, so much fewer that have the power of God behind them.
Sex is unforgettable, intimate, deep, binding. It doesn't matter if you're making real love or stupid love, but nothing will ever take that away.
I thought everyone knew this one. Never make important decisions when you're emotional.
The song Payphone. One more fucking love song and I'll be sick. All those fairy tales are full of shit. The sun sets even in paradise.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Micro sleeps.
Well, here's to another day punctuated by micro sleeps and League games, although today's unconscious period of the day is going to have to go to that 3 hour nap from 3 to 6 pm.
This whole week has been a crap shoot. I remember last year, when I started gaining serious weight this month, descending into some unglorious pit of unhappiness, although this was more than often at the fault of relationship problems. At least, right now, there is so very little to hide. At least I feel the freedom of bringing my laptop upstairs every night to watch ANTM or Friends or HIMYM. At least one days like today, I can feel some small sense of progress as I write my eight page research paper... about sleep. For the first time in like, 9 days, I felt the tranquility of diving into a vast expanse of knowledge and carving out singular words for this painstaking assignment.
The obvious thing to do was to write about it. Obviously.
Anyway, the cold is messing with me. I'm determined not to fall so disgracefully like last year, but running is becoming a burden. I starve, but I binge, but I purge, but I starve, but . . . I can't keep it up. When I think about eating, I can't think about anything else. The images of myself are nightmares come true, some that chill me to my invisible bones. Also, I'm writing like those sleep journals I just read, in case you're wondering.
School has been inexplicably exhausting. Grades have been fine - I've broken the curve in Stats three times for probability; I've managed near perfects in Urban tests, 94's in Multivariable, B's in Physics C, even B's in AP Art History. Most classes average out to high A's - the worst is are two temporary 89's. But I can't focus. I've been feeling the hypagognic jerks in calc, the sleep inertia practically everywhere else. I still haven't wrapped my mind around line integrals or any of those Gothic churches. At math team, I couldn't simplify sqrt{-3/2} to i(sqrt{3/2}), which is not only appalling, but unacceptable. I need to sleep, but I just don't.
Oh, and I saw the camel this Friday. The awkwardness of what was left unsaid was overwhelming, but after a good cry and vent, its over. Possibilities are crushed, bitterness is confirmed. Is it like this that I'm going to lose the leaders I was always able to look up to? Is it like this that we will all separate, and I will leave the social group to which I never belonged? And isn't it so sad that, for the past two years, I prayed to part of them, to love them like they loved each other, and now, among them, I feel the most alone.
This whole week has been a crap shoot. I remember last year, when I started gaining serious weight this month, descending into some unglorious pit of unhappiness, although this was more than often at the fault of relationship problems. At least, right now, there is so very little to hide. At least I feel the freedom of bringing my laptop upstairs every night to watch ANTM or Friends or HIMYM. At least one days like today, I can feel some small sense of progress as I write my eight page research paper... about sleep. For the first time in like, 9 days, I felt the tranquility of diving into a vast expanse of knowledge and carving out singular words for this painstaking assignment.
The obvious thing to do was to write about it. Obviously.
Anyway, the cold is messing with me. I'm determined not to fall so disgracefully like last year, but running is becoming a burden. I starve, but I binge, but I purge, but I starve, but . . . I can't keep it up. When I think about eating, I can't think about anything else. The images of myself are nightmares come true, some that chill me to my invisible bones. Also, I'm writing like those sleep journals I just read, in case you're wondering.
School has been inexplicably exhausting. Grades have been fine - I've broken the curve in Stats three times for probability; I've managed near perfects in Urban tests, 94's in Multivariable, B's in Physics C, even B's in AP Art History. Most classes average out to high A's - the worst is are two temporary 89's. But I can't focus. I've been feeling the hypagognic jerks in calc, the sleep inertia practically everywhere else. I still haven't wrapped my mind around line integrals or any of those Gothic churches. At math team, I couldn't simplify sqrt{-3/2} to i(sqrt{3/2}), which is not only appalling, but unacceptable. I need to sleep, but I just don't.
Oh, and I saw the camel this Friday. The awkwardness of what was left unsaid was overwhelming, but after a good cry and vent, its over. Possibilities are crushed, bitterness is confirmed. Is it like this that I'm going to lose the leaders I was always able to look up to? Is it like this that we will all separate, and I will leave the social group to which I never belonged? And isn't it so sad that, for the past two years, I prayed to part of them, to love them like they loved each other, and now, among them, I feel the most alone.
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