1. Planners, esp. talking ones, esp. the ones that sleep less to work more but still find emphatic importance in social interactions, drinks, movies, massages
2. Kudos, subtle compliments, not so subtle compliments
3. People who are liked by people who like people, who go really hard out of way to be friendly and friends with people who wouldn't otherwise
4. Psychology tests, experiments
5. Simulation and simulacra, however contrived it may seem
6. Abstract shit, like reality and original truth
7. Calvin and Hobbes
8. Drivers, who drive groups of annoying people to and from Rochester
9. Law students, who are weird
10. Females, who show an excess of affection out of unclear motivations, but who are always always welcome to the couch
11. Chillin', with secret stash of strong alcohols, but more importantly, weird agreement among people who are forced to live together to enjoy the table for the moment
12. Meowing, late night ramen, obsession over fruits, mainly the banana, grapes, Cuties
13. Falling apart in chairs, confessions, hugs
14. The kitchen apartment thing, sheets
15. Entrepreneurship, vlogbrothers, Just Kidding Films
16. Professors who post their slides on Blackboard, alleviating the stresses of consistently being absent from class
17. Spinach, broccoli, mushrooms, kale, minor cheese additions
18. Rockstar, Redbull, bitter bitter coffee
19. Ellipticals, people's tendency not to use ellipticals, gym rats, gym rats who care about their journey and let other people quietly pursue their own
20. Friends, the show, and friends, the real ones, the whole friggin' lot of them
21. International demographic of house, American demographic of house, sentiment of house towards house
22. Cameras, phones, phones that work even with ugly ass crack(s)
Thursday, October 1, 2015
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Incorporated
Okay, I'm writing again, I think.
I thought it would take a lot more alcohol to get me to feel this verbally expressive about feelings again. It turns out, it just takes a lot of shit to happen, and finally, finally getting a break from it all in the first instance of personal air conditioning I've experienced in the past year. Also, I read amany random journal I brought to college last year, with things from more than two years ago. How things change in that time... how many boys can be captured............................ just kidding.
This is probably not going to beautiful. Maybe only on principle.
Let's start with right now. I think I'm the CEO of a company of which I don't want to be the CEO. I signed something that says I have shares or something, but I really only care about making stuff. This summer started with four to eight hours of pure, fanatical drawing, every single night. If it weren't for showing up to my internship with two hours of sleep every morning, it would have been amazing. But... that's what I want to do - make stupid looking animations, draw hands, put shapes together on Photoshop. Spending almost the entirety of May obsessively trying to understand the components of the lower legs has 1) let me think, a lot, about how much I liked doing it 2) gotten me feeling regret... real regret, for wasting time on math and food and people who might not matter.
I've been to a lot of meetings and have done a couple pitches, but man, if that's what CEOs do, I'm out before next year. People in the incubator have been really nice about the rise of this mess of a 19 year old taking over for her overqualified 29 year old friend going off to work his real, important job, and for all of the initiative and resources given to me, I'm thankful. But I hate it. We might be pushing the frontiers of university networking, and it might be riding the technological pivot of the education industry, and its very beautiful, but I don't really care...... my mission is somewhere else
People keep telling me that I'm going to regret it if I give up an opportunity like this, especially to be able to learn about this crazy mess of startup business "when I'm young".
Maybe they're right. Maybe I'm just stupid through and through.
I thought it would take a lot more alcohol to get me to feel this verbally expressive about feelings again. It turns out, it just takes a lot of shit to happen, and finally, finally getting a break from it all in the first instance of personal air conditioning I've experienced in the past year. Also, I read amany random journal I brought to college last year, with things from more than two years ago. How things change in that time... how many boys can be captured............................ just kidding.
This is probably not going to beautiful. Maybe only on principle.
Let's start with right now. I think I'm the CEO of a company of which I don't want to be the CEO. I signed something that says I have shares or something, but I really only care about making stuff. This summer started with four to eight hours of pure, fanatical drawing, every single night. If it weren't for showing up to my internship with two hours of sleep every morning, it would have been amazing. But... that's what I want to do - make stupid looking animations, draw hands, put shapes together on Photoshop. Spending almost the entirety of May obsessively trying to understand the components of the lower legs has 1) let me think, a lot, about how much I liked doing it 2) gotten me feeling regret... real regret, for wasting time on math and food and people who might not matter.
I've been to a lot of meetings and have done a couple pitches, but man, if that's what CEOs do, I'm out before next year. People in the incubator have been really nice about the rise of this mess of a 19 year old taking over for her overqualified 29 year old friend going off to work his real, important job, and for all of the initiative and resources given to me, I'm thankful. But I hate it. We might be pushing the frontiers of university networking, and it might be riding the technological pivot of the education industry, and its very beautiful, but I don't really care...... my mission is somewhere else
People keep telling me that I'm going to regret it if I give up an opportunity like this, especially to be able to learn about this crazy mess of startup business "when I'm young".
Maybe they're right. Maybe I'm just stupid through and through.
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
???
We call it by different names.
Boredom. Depression. Loneliness. Insanity. Fatigue. Not to make any of these clinically inferior or equal to the others, but colloquially, this is what we call it.
It's not that I miss home - I do, but only as much as the average person. I miss real Chinese food, having a room and bed to myself, conservative-Asian heating, sleeping and waking without dramatic changes in my body temperature.
It's not that college sucks. Despite Cornell's atrocious administration and pricing, there's an unlimited supply of eggs and vegetables and the best ice cream in America. I can greet the badminton graduate students outside of the club. Grades aren't perfect, but at least above average. The plantations spread beneath us at sunset; the gym is a 3 minute walk away. Onion petals, Tumblr, Youtube, Food Network, laundry, apples, comics, supplies - I have all of it..
It's not that I lack deep and real love from friends and family. It's not that I don't have a soulmate, or a mom and dad who care with everything they have plus their salaries. It's not that I can't pull up Messenger and immediately get a dinner with someone on campus or catch up with someone back home.
It's not that I'm unemployed. I tutor for a higher pay than you'd think parents would give in pursuit of the perfect SAT. I draw 12 to 15 hours per week... as a job. I write dumb shit once in a while and use that money to get anything and everything I want and need at Target.
It's not that my roommate is intolerable. In fact, she lets me eat anything she buys, sometimes with great amusement of the passion with which I do so...
I'm not sure what it is, but it makes me seize up and panic and cry. It makes me become intensely bored with nearly everyone I meet. It makes me neglect conversations, eat alone, and walk to class only to fall dead asleep in ten minutes. It makes me hate the signs that say "Caution: No Winter Maintenance" and stop assuming the best in anyone. Everything seems a little bit stupid, a little bit shallow, overhyped. As if I'm not, or something.
How can I express this without sounding/being arrogant? Sometimes I think that the most self-aware and "intelligent" people are the saddest. This is obviously not an original thought, but it occurs to me often. I don't really want to call myself one of these people, but for the sake of expressing what I want to say, let's assume I'm "in touch," okay? I like to think that Satan sees what kind of powerhouses we would be if we weren't so incapacitated by the world.
Maybe.
Boredom. Depression. Loneliness. Insanity. Fatigue. Not to make any of these clinically inferior or equal to the others, but colloquially, this is what we call it.
It's not that I miss home - I do, but only as much as the average person. I miss real Chinese food, having a room and bed to myself, conservative-Asian heating, sleeping and waking without dramatic changes in my body temperature.
It's not that college sucks. Despite Cornell's atrocious administration and pricing, there's an unlimited supply of eggs and vegetables and the best ice cream in America. I can greet the badminton graduate students outside of the club. Grades aren't perfect, but at least above average. The plantations spread beneath us at sunset; the gym is a 3 minute walk away. Onion petals, Tumblr, Youtube, Food Network, laundry, apples, comics, supplies - I have all of it..
It's not that I lack deep and real love from friends and family. It's not that I don't have a soulmate, or a mom and dad who care with everything they have plus their salaries. It's not that I can't pull up Messenger and immediately get a dinner with someone on campus or catch up with someone back home.
It's not that I'm unemployed. I tutor for a higher pay than you'd think parents would give in pursuit of the perfect SAT. I draw 12 to 15 hours per week... as a job. I write dumb shit once in a while and use that money to get anything and everything I want and need at Target.
It's not that my roommate is intolerable. In fact, she lets me eat anything she buys, sometimes with great amusement of the passion with which I do so...
I'm not sure what it is, but it makes me seize up and panic and cry. It makes me become intensely bored with nearly everyone I meet. It makes me neglect conversations, eat alone, and walk to class only to fall dead asleep in ten minutes. It makes me hate the signs that say "Caution: No Winter Maintenance" and stop assuming the best in anyone. Everything seems a little bit stupid, a little bit shallow, overhyped. As if I'm not, or something.
How can I express this without sounding/being arrogant? Sometimes I think that the most self-aware and "intelligent" people are the saddest. This is obviously not an original thought, but it occurs to me often. I don't really want to call myself one of these people, but for the sake of expressing what I want to say, let's assume I'm "in touch," okay? I like to think that Satan sees what kind of powerhouses we would be if we weren't so incapacitated by the world.
Maybe.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)